Am I wrong? I was completely lost in my thoughts until I realized, I have reached my company.
After entering my office, I hanged the coat on the back of the chair and sat in a relaxed pose, widening my legs.
While driving to the office, I was thinking about the last night, how can I behave like that with someone? Why I always forget my role?
The childhood memory flashed in front of my eyes wherein the play of husband and wife, I used to be the boy and my beautiful cousin played the role of the girl. She used to tuck her top above and asked me to touch her soft tummy from the backside. She used to be the wife, the one who used to lie under.
Time passes and I grew up with some testosterone in my body, I saw this different kind of me, I never knew.
I met this beautiful girl in college and one night she invited me over dinner at her place, it was sort of my first night out with her. While sleeping, unintentionally I raised my leg and felt her legs, my knee had touched above between her legs, she had awakened with a sudden jerk but instead of pulling herself back, she started to pushing slowly, rubbing herself against my thigh, moaning with heavy breaths, that my ears could hear easily, that made me uncomfortable.
Days passed, we didn’t talk about it. Then one day she invited me for the lunch. Maybe she was somewhat scared of meeting me at night after that incident.
After a heavy lunch, I stretched my legs on the chair.
“Let’s play a game,” she said.
“What game?” I asked
“Just imagine you are forcing yourself on me, how will I help myself. It’s sort of self-defence” she added.
We were close to each other, we used to fight on regular bases, and even sometimes she did throw me away from bed just by her leg. She was a powerful sports lady.
Well, the fight began, but this time it went in a different direction, instead of protecting herself and pushing me away, she let me over her, she was being submissive and in seconds she was moaning in pleasure, I felt the warmth between her legs, she held me tighter and was seeking to pursue it further.
What was that? I felt awkward. She was my friend. I didn’t felt loved there, I was feeling used just like some toy.
I was introverted, but once an extroverted married lady came into my life, I was half of her age and she loved me like her kid. But for me, she was my first love, whenever I used to see her I could feel butterflies crawling up my tummy. I loved her company. As times passed I told her all my secrets. On that day when she was changing her clothes, looking at her curvy and slim body, made me feel excited. For the very first time, I felt this adrenaline rush in my body, I didn’t know what came into my mind, I pecked her lips and kissed her deeply. I just wanted the time to stop. I bite her ear lobe a little and kissed her on the neck, and then I went kissing a little lower, my hands were on her breast. I saw her moaning out. After a while, the storm inside me started settling and I realized what I was doing, I pulled myself back. I felt the guilt and apologised to her. I should have taken her consent. I never asked her, if she liked it. She only confessed that It was wild, and I was so dominating. She forgave me thinking of me as a child with high hormones.
And finally, the day came when I married the king of my dreams, but in my whole life, I played the role of a boy. It was devastating now to become a woman all of a sudden.
I don’t want to moan.
I don’t want to lay under.
In my whole life, I have seen one person dominating the other in families. In maximum cases, the one who lays under also plays the role of recessive in another aspect of life too.
My dominating nature doesn’t allow me to be so. Every time he loved me, I feel like a carcass.
Last night, I denied him. Am I wrong or right? I don’t know and I don’t care! I am who I am. I can’t surrender for his domination over me because I am the one who dominates.